*Editor’s Note: This is an excellent overview of the idiotic, paranoid conspiracy theories that have managed to seep their way into the minds of our people. Especially those who listen to Hip-Hop. My only worry is that those who read “The Believer’s Guide” portion won’t realize that the author is clowning these beliefs.
Why did Jay-Z and Beyoncé name their kid “Blue Ivy”? What was the deal with Madonna’s Super Bowl halftime show? Why did Whitney Houston die? Some people might say that “famous people are weird and sad” is the answer to all three questions. But no, the answer is: The Illuminati. Who? Allow us to explain.
Note: to best service our readers, we’ve divided this guide into two sections — first, the believer’s guide; second, the skeptic’s guide.
The Believer’s Guide
What is the Illuminati?
The Illuminati is an ancient and shadowy group of elites who control nearly every aspect of life on this planet — from finance and government to religion and culture.
Who is in the Illuminati?
The Illuminati is made up of the world’s political and financial elite, and also, rappers. Theoretically, membership rolls are kept secret, but most YouTube intellectuals agree that the following people are members:
Queen Elizabeth II
George W. Bush
What do the Illuminati do?
Oh, you know, conspiracy stuff. Assassinations, currency manipulation, Super Bowl halftime shows. All executed through puppet institutions and groups like the Federal Reserve, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Freemasons, and Def Jam Recordings. And all carefully controlled and hidden to ensure that their meddling in world affairs will remain secret.
This is sounding more plausible by the minute. What’s the end goal of the Illuminati?
The end goal of the Illuminati is to establish a one-world authoritarian government known as the New World Order.
Here, theories differ. Some of the internet’s finest minds, writing on scholarly websites like Yahoo Answers, believe that forced conversion to homosexuality will be a top agenda item in the New World Order. Others claim the first order of business will be to round all non-Illuminati up into FEMA camps, possibly as part of a deal struck with aliens in Roswell. Many, if not most, experts believe that the New World Order will be a front for the rise of the Antichrist.
Yes. The Illuminati is made up of Satanists.
Even the Pope?
I can see how it’s confusing. The Pope is actually a Satanist, just like Jay-Z and the Queen of England. (He might even be the Antichrist.) In fact, the whole Catholic church is just a continuation of Babylonian paganism, didn’t you know? They keep demons trapped inside the Pentagon, which is why it’s, you know, pentagonal.
Okay. How can I tell who’s in the Illuminati?
I know this sounds counterintuitive, but prominent Illuminati members frequently flag their Illuminati connections. Like how in Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” video, there’s that goat head-shaped star formation? Or have you ever seen Jay-Z’s video for “On to the Next One”? It has a goat skull in it. Goats, bro.